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in_the_blue) wrote2008-01-04 12:24 am
in_the_blue) wrote2008-01-04 12:24 am
Entry tags:
Check it out... I'm TOTALLY hot!
Are you ready, kids?
I think it's time. It's a new year, and that means it's time for a NEW WRITING CHALLENGE. So roll up your sleeves, crack your knuckles, and let's begin!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to let one of your roleplay characters write THE WORST FANFICTION EVER. It can be fanfiction about their canon or about another canon, but it has to be written by one of your roleplay characters and has to be submitted by that RP journal. Got it? So, for instance, Jet Black could submit the Ed/Ein fantasy he's always wanted to write, or Hermione Granger could pen that little ditty about Neville and Mimbulus Mimbletonia in the Astronomy Tower, or... Jack Sparrow could weave a tale of intrigue about Axel and Demyx. Whatever, so long as it's submitted by a roleplay character and it's bad fanfiction: you get the picture.
Rules:
Fandom: any fandom your RP character wants to write, either his/her own or a different one.
Word count: 1000 or less
Main theme: BAD FANFICTION.
Ratings: No restrictions, but for the love of God, don't violate the LJ TOS.
Duration: Challenge opens now (January 4) and closes at 11:59 p.m. in whatever time zone you inhabit on Friday, January 26. We give you lots and lots of time for this one.
Come one, come all, and pimp this one far and wide. Let's get a lot of crack fanfiction for this challenge. I'd love to see the worst your characters can do... and honestly, so would they.
Rule clarification: if you don't have a roleplay journal for the character begging to write the WORST FANFIC EVER, submit it anonymously and let everyone know which character's writing it. You'll have to remember to check back for comments, but that ought to work. Or heck, write it with your own journal and just make it very clear which character authored your epic piece of nonsense.
I think it's time. It's a new year, and that means it's time for a NEW WRITING CHALLENGE. So roll up your sleeves, crack your knuckles, and let's begin!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to let one of your roleplay characters write THE WORST FANFICTION EVER. It can be fanfiction about their canon or about another canon, but it has to be written by one of your roleplay characters and has to be submitted by that RP journal. Got it? So, for instance, Jet Black could submit the Ed/Ein fantasy he's always wanted to write, or Hermione Granger could pen that little ditty about Neville and Mimbulus Mimbletonia in the Astronomy Tower, or... Jack Sparrow could weave a tale of intrigue about Axel and Demyx. Whatever, so long as it's submitted by a roleplay character and it's bad fanfiction: you get the picture.
Rules:
Fandom: any fandom your RP character wants to write, either his/her own or a different one.
Word count: 1000 or less
Main theme: BAD FANFICTION.
Ratings: No restrictions, but for the love of God, don't violate the LJ TOS.
Duration: Challenge opens now (January 4) and closes at 11:59 p.m. in whatever time zone you inhabit on Friday, January 26. We give you lots and lots of time for this one.
Come one, come all, and pimp this one far and wide. Let's get a lot of crack fanfiction for this challenge. I'd love to see the worst your characters can do... and honestly, so would they.
Rule clarification: if you don't have a roleplay journal for the character begging to write the WORST FANFIC EVER, submit it anonymously and let everyone know which character's writing it. You'll have to remember to check back for comments, but that ought to work. Or heck, write it with your own journal and just make it very clear which character authored your epic piece of nonsense.
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These (and the first link - the story) are brain-breakingly bad. So bad they're good... I think.
I also know how you spend your time. How much of this stuff do you watch? All of it?
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If Spike ever makes it back to the bar, will you bring Shipwreck back for a night?
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I can't get to this until Monday or Tuesday, but I will SO be getting to it then. *giggling*
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Susan
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oooh!! see if I can draw up m yaudl orignal pr characters fro mteat salem-based roleplay i was in...
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This sounds interesting! I'll see if
Iany of us can come up with something.no subject
It's a moral imperitive.
You must do it.
:D
I'm thinking of writing with K8 of the long and flowing brown locks...
Dude...you do it and I'll do it.
*nods*
It might be a hair long, but here goes..
Beth was confused until she ripped the paper off the flat package. Then she chuckled. “Where on earth did you find these, Mom?” she asked aloud, fingering the edges of the black and white marbled composition notebooks. Walking into the living room, she dropped onto the couch and stared at the first notebook.
Beth’s Happy Endings. That’s what she’d titled the first notebook, oh so long ago. She smiled to herself as she remembered how it had all started. She’d been reading Little Women, and naturally, her favorite character had been Beth. When her namesake had died, she’d been very upset. When Amy married Laurie, that had been the last straw. She had thrown the book down in disgust, determined to never finish it. Her mom had suggested that she try writing her own ending, and given her a brand new notebook. Beth had loved the idea.
Present day Beth opened the cover and smoothed the first page flat. The handwriting was squiggly, nothing like the neat script she used today, but if you looked for similarities, there were some. The way she hooked her g’s, or the curve of her B’s. Beth sighed and began to read.
Beth didn’t die of fever. Instead, she got better and more beautiful. Amy (the little snot) drownded when she went to Europe instead of Jo. They all pretended to be sad, but weren’t. Except Beth. She was so good and kind that she couldn’t help and be sad. When Laurie finally came back from Europe, he saw how good and kind Beth was and fell in love. Laurie and Beth got married and lived happily ever after. They had three children. Beth insisted on naming her girl Amy, after her sister, but Beth’s Amy was much better behaved and everyone liked her. The two sons were named Benjamin and Jacob. The End.
Beth laughed. She remembered how much thought she’d put into the names, because she wanted them to seem realistic. Smiling softly, she glanced toward the room where her own Benjamin lay sleeping. It hardly seemed real, but her happy ending had come true.
As if on cue, a cry sounded over the monitor. Checking her watch, Beth rushed into the nursery, wondering what was wrong. Little Ben had been asleep for an hour already, but he was usually good for a two hour nap this time of day. Robert Edward Lee Dawson, however, took after his father—a light sleeper who never wanted to miss anything. If she wasn’t careful, she’d have two very cranky eight-month-olds on her hands.
Winding her way into the nursery, she saw that Bobby’s pacifier had slipped out. The little rascal wasn’t happy unless there was something in his mouth at all times. Just like his daddy, she thought fondly. She gently replaced the pacifier, and rubbed Bobby’s stomach gently until he dropped back off.
She tiptoed out and closed the door gently. She loved her boys, but as a harried mother of twins, she needed what time she could get to herself.
After pouring herself a drink, she began leafing through the notebooks again. Most of the stories were about books or movies she barely remembered. Only very occasionally had she tried writing original fiction, and she’d never finished anything.
Not wanting to waste too much time, she flipped quickly past most of the stories. Finally, she came to one story—the first one in the last notebook—that made her laugh out loud.
She’d first seen Star Wars when she was thirteen and a half. Always the contrary one, Beth thought it was rotten that Luke did all the hard work and got suckered out of the girl by Han. It was only later that she’d decided that Han and Leia belonged together.
Re: It might be a hair long, but here goes..
“What is it, Luke? Han is waiting for me,” she said impatiently.
“That’s just it. You don’t have to go to him. I love you, and I know you love me.”
Leia shook her head. “You’re my brother, Luke. Of course I love you. But not the way I love Han.” She moved to walk off.
Luke grabbed her arm and twisted her around. “No, Leia. You love ME. You only think you love Han because you think you can’t love me. But it’s not true. You can, my love, and we can be together.” He pulled her to him and kissed her passionately. “Obi-Wan confessed it all to me, you see. He tricked us both. I really don’t have a sister. That was just to confuse Darth Vader. Obi-Wan knew that he would read my mind. He though that maybe thoughts of a sister would distract him, making him think of other things. Not to mention giving the Rebellion hope if I should indeed fail.”
“But…but…but…”
“Shhhh, love. It was a good trick at the time, but it means that we can be together now.” He kissed her again, and this time she kissed him back just as passionately.
“Oh, Luke!”
“Oh, Leia!”
They kissed again.
“Oh, Luke! What about Han? He loves me!”
Luke shook his head. “He loves the Princess. He loves the money. I love YOU. He’ll get over it.” He took her hand. “You and I will be happy together, Leia.”
“Oh, Luke,” she said, “I know we will.”
Beth shook her head. It went on for several pages after that, but it was truly terrible. It was one of the last pieces of fiction that she had written, because shortly after that, she had discovered journalism. Her talent certainly was not in fiction writing. She glanced to the mantle, where the seven Kane Awards for journalism glinted brightly. The one on the end had her name on it—it had been the thing she was most proud of, until she had given birth only a couple months after winning the award.
A cry came over the monitor. “I swear, they know when I’m thinking about them!” This time it sounded like Ben. She left the composition books on the coffee table, knowing her husband would have a laugh at them with her later.
Re: It might be a hair long, but here goes..
And oh, I forgot to say: SPOILERS FOR LITTLE WOMEN! I'm not sure the statute of limitations has run out on that one yet! Hee.
Re: It might be a hair long, but here goes..
Although They did mention the Beth part on an episode of Friends, so I imagine the statue HAS run, at least for the segment of the population that watched the show!
Re: It might be a hair long, but here goes..
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So... yeah. I did it. Here goes:
Spike woke up and wondered who the hell the chick was lying next to him with nothing but leopard print handcuffs on her wrist and red socks on her feet. The last thing he remembered, after all, was ordering that drink: he knew it had been a mistake the moment he tasted it. Something funny about it. He ran a finger through his hair -- what the fuck? why was it so nice and smooth? -- and, with a grimace at the pounding in his head, settled back down on the pillow.
The girl next to him turned as much as she could and gave him a sleepy toothy I used to be wearing lipstick but you kissed it all off grin. "I like the way you clapped me in these irons." Her handcuffed wrist rattled against the bed frame.
"Yeah? Well, I don't remember doing it, so don't get all excited over it or anything." Shit. His head was fucking pounding.
She ran a red-nailed finger down his chest. "Well, I never thought I'd ask for the clap, but you did it so nicely. In fact, it was so nice I was going to ask for it again."
Oh, my aching fucking head. He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed, head in hands. Last time I drink one of those damn mochachillos.
The Princess Bride as it should have been.
Enjoy!
-Harry MacDowell*
Our story begins upon the little boat carrying Vizzini, Fezzik and Princess Buttercup. Inigo Montoya is sailing it with the skill of a passionate lover. Careful glances over his shoulder at the thickening shadows filling in the moonlight faintly bathing the long sobering night reveal the silhouette of Princess Buttercup at the stern of the ship. She looks helpless, beautiful, enticing, demure and sweet. Fezzik the Giant is snoring loudly beside her creating a bass grinding to the staccato“Invconceivable!” muttered in Vizzini’s fitful dreams. Inigo is briefly inspired to dance. But he does not. For the sadness of the Princess unstrings the lute of sleeping comrades.
Inigo can sense that deep sorrow swimming in her pale water blue eyes. Normally he would ignore her pain in favor of his own, but not tonight. Toonight, her sorrow touches him in a place not touched for a long time; his broken bleeding misery laden heart. Since the loss of his father to the six fingered man’s callous stabbing, Inigo’s heart has been as hard and shriveled as a month old parsnip. Unable to love he found peace in the countless duels he fought and the brandy that unleashed his great rage. Something in the far away stare of this lady, a stare that dares to reach the very stars themselves, opens up the door of his heart. Like a key. A starry key glittering in the love lost reflected in her eyes. This key not only opens his heart, but his mouth as well. The pain inside is now slightly ajar heart makes his voice hoarse and sultry, like the purr of a tigress in heat when he speaks.
“Lady. You have the look of a woman who suffers,” he ties off the rudder and walks slowly, deliberately to her, “I, too know what it means to suffer.”
His eyes gaze at the golden curl of her hair, and the finely crafted embroidery on her breasts. Her bosoms are far larger than he had expected them to be.
“Die pig, I have naught to say to you.”
She has no intention of accepting his obvious overtones of love. She will remain steadfast in the face of his undeniable passion. She grits her teeth against the lure of Inigo’s raw sexual heat.
Inigo sees the meaning behind her words with the pain in his heart. Her harshness masks a cry for help and a longing for his touch. She is really saying, “Help me. Love me.”
“Lady. I can feel the pain in your words. I know that the words that were thrown like daggers at my eyes, are truly cries for help and love.” He steps closer and gently touches her satin smooth skin, locking his dark and feral gaze with hers.
Buttercup is amazed and delighted at the insight this Spaniard possesses and the gentle caress of his sultry speech is too much for her fragile façade.
“You are right, dear Inigo. I love you. Take me away from all this pain.” The tears rolling down her cheeks tell the truth. Those little salty droplets tell the truth of her unrelenting need for his love.
Seizing the moment, Inigo deftly slices her bonds with the sword that killed his father, gathers her up into his arms and kisses her passionately. The power of their kiss melts away the shadows of the long dark night of their twin pain. Troubles, pointless, die in each other’s embrace. The burning heat of their lovemaking sets the very ship ablaze. Burning and fucking they sink into the sea having found true love.
*I love a good romance. Short sweet and to the point. Thanks for reading, now tell me you love it. - Harry MacDowell*
Re: The Princess Bride as it should have been.
I do have one question. Is tying off the rudder an intentional euphemism?
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Purple ain't my style. I like white. Shiny pristine white. Ain't Inigo Latin fer white?
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nicehorrible. Well played, well played.Re: The Princess Bride as it should have been.
Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 1
By Hex Holmstrom
Fandom: Harry Potter
Word count: Exactly 1000 (for a reason)
Rating: PG-13
The battle was over. Hogwarts had lost.
Voldemort stood in the middle of the Great Hall, laughing maniacally and taunting the defeated defenders of Hogwarts with the body of Harry Potter, which lay pale and dead at his feet.
"Your only hope is dead!" he told his vanquished foes, his evil red eyes flashing in triumph. "The Dark side has won! Now bow down to the might of Lord Voldemort!" He turned to his Death Eaters, who were standing behind him like a goth chorus line, and pointed an ominous finger at Mavis Moonwalker, who was standing frozen, like an innocent fawn caught in the headlights, at the edge of the crowd.
"Get the girl," he hissed.
"You got it, boss," answered Walden MacNair, the biggest Death Eater in the lineup. He grabbed Mavis before she could flee and dragged her towards Voldemort. Mavis struggled bravely, but the Death Eater was too strong for her. He hauled her before Voldemort with ease and held her still as the Dark Lord conjured an ugly Rambo-type knife out of thin air and brought it slowly, slowly, down towards Mavis' pale, slender, vulnerably exposed neck.
"Not so fast!" a strong voice roared, and everyone gasped in awe as Jinx Johnson appeared out of nowhere, wearing nothing but ripped camouflage pants and big, bad army boots. Moving with catlike speed, Jinx flung Mavis away from Voldemort and the Death Eaters, and proceeded to stomp a mud hole in MacNair. Even though MacNair was bigger and stronger, that was nothing compared to Jinx’s speed, fighting heart and desire to win. He went down like a pole-axed ox after the first flying kick and tried to get back on his feet, but Jinx was all over him like white on rice in a glass of milk in a paper plate in a snowstorm.
Voldemort had been watching the fight, too, and recognized a worthy opponent in Jinx's masterful victory over the hulking Death Eater. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm Jinx Johnson," Jinx replied coolly, not at all intimidated by the presence of the Dark Lord, "and you're going down."
“I think not!” Voldemort retorted, bursting into laughter. He was so caught up in laughing at Jinx, ridiculing his brave words, that he didn't notice the exclamations of horror and surprise coming from the crowd, or that his laughter was growing higher and tinnier.
"Master!" one of his Death Eaters cried. The sound of the man's voice, and the oof he let out when he ran into a Shield Charm that suddenly appeared between him and Voldemort, broke into the Dark Lord's reverie. He stopped laughing and looked at his minions, and then he realized that they were very, very tall...and he was very, very small.
Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
"I turned you into a chipmunk," Jinx told him as the Hogwarts defenders began to laugh. "With wandless magic, which was why you didn't notice anything," he added.
"I know how to do wandless magic, too!" chipmunk Voldemort declared. He puffed up his tiny, furry chest, preparing to cast the spell that would restore him to his previous fearsome form, but Jinx was quicker on the draw.
"Periodus, double infinitius, no erasius!" Jinx said quickly, and caught up the chipmunk in one strong hand. "Now you're a chipmunk forever!"
"NOOOO!" Voldemort cried in a squeaky chipmunk voice.
All of a sudden, Harry's eyes opened and he sat up. "Hey, I was supposed to defeat Voldemort!" he said, getting to his feet with the help of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.
"You snooze, you lose," Jinx told him. Unlike everyone else in the Great Hall, he wasn't at all surprised that Harry Potter wasn't really dead. "And his new name is Voldie-munk."
Jinx turned to his best friend, Paul Bumbleboris, who had just come in from helping Hagrid fight/cure the magical beings and creatures in the battle, depending on whether the creature was good or bad. Paul was covered in blood (not his own) and frankly didn’t smell very good, but judging from the admiring noises they made, the girls didn’t mind his getup at all. "Here, Paul, you finish him off."
But Paul was an animal lover and couldn't bring himself to turn into his Animagus form (a gigantic bear with dragon wings, razor-sharp teeth and poison breath) and rip a chipmunk to shreds, even if the chipmunk was Voldie-munk, who used to be the most evil wizard in the world, and not an ordinary furry little animal. "I have a better idea," he said.
Also using wandless magic (because he was cool and knew how), Paul conjured up a cage for Voldie-munk and, when Voldie-munk was inside, gave the cage to Harry. "Here," he said. "You decide what to do with him."
"Crikey, blimey and all that lot, wot!" Ron exclaimed as he peered into the cage where Voldie-munk was still shrieking and jumping and having a little chipmunk tantrum. "Don't kill him, Harry! I've always wanted a talking pet!"
"You know, you can make a lot of money if you teach it to sing," Hermione butted in, and she started in on this long lecture about a Muggle who got rich off some singing chipmunks.
Jinx knew all about that guy already, so he didn't bother to listen to Hermione's lecture. He turned away from her just as Mavis grabbed his arm.
"Oh, Jinx, you're my hero!" she said breathily, looking up at him with an adoring gaze and batting eyelashes. Her clothes had gotten torn during the battle, but her hair still looked good and she was still gorgeous overall.
"Doesn't the hero get a kiss?" Jinx asked her with a rakish grin.
"The hero gets anything he wants, studmuffin!" Mavis replied, and
(Oops, one thousand words. Plz r/r..,.tNx!!!11)
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
(And not named "Mavis.")
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
This is priceless and beautiful, but I have to say that:
a) I'm not in it;
b) I can see through the thinly-veiled disguises and
c) Ron's characterisation is not quite the parody it could be. I do believe he would have said Crikey, blimey, and all that rot, wot! That, however, is a minor point.
I'm particularly fond of Voldemort as a chipmunk. And you get bonus points for the film tie-in. (I wouldn't be surprised if you got promotional monies for it as well.)
Now. Please, kick back and have a margarita. You've earned it.
~Sirius
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
It's great to hear from you, and I'm glad you liked my story even if you weren't in it (besides other stuff).
It did cross my mind after I had posted this that you should have been in the story :( it would have been fun if you were there - and easier to reach 1000 words, too!
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
But... are you saying that were I in your story, I would simply have talked out the entire thousand words? I'm certain I can do that; you've no idea what sort of thing you've unleashed here. For years and years in Azkaban I was silent; there was no point to talking because whenever one did, it had a tendency to draw the Dementors closer and closer. They waited for a lapse, a slip, a laugh, a happy sigh, and then... well, I shouldn't be talking about this. It's far too depressing for most people. Take Tonks, for instance: she would never let me even utter the word Azkaban in her presence. I think that was because in her days as Auror she sent far too many people there, and hearing my first-hand stories of how... lovely the place was might have sent her into something of a tailspin.
But listen to me! You know, I think I probably have a thousand words here already. I don't, but it feels like it. Yes, you and the troops should definitely visit us. We're on the west side of the island, where the sunsets are always beautiful and the mountains break up the wind so nicely. And the snorkeling... well, I should tell you that I've been working on a few charms that make the physical mask-and-snorkel combination unnecessary, as I have some small problem with anything that feels like restraints even after all this time, and it's made swimming so much more pleasant.
Also, there are no chipmunks.
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
*dies*
aslkdfjasldfjasld;fjaldfjalsfjdalsdfjal;fj
You freaking rock!!!!
I don't have the words cuz I'ma laughing waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too hard.
Re: Jinx Johnson Meets the Dark Lord Pt. 2 (repost)
Disclaimer
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