Random Recommendation

[in_the_blue]

I just read angelofthenorth's story on the Sugar Quill and I think you should go read it. I don't know her and she doesn't know me, so this is just a random recommendation from your very own Lady Narcissa.

I have a hard time reading most Sirius stories. I'm a self-admitted snob about him. I have a very set notion in my mind of how he was and how he would act and react, so I get tickled when someone comes along who can challenge that for me.

[shrug]

In my 'verse, Sirius is plagued with flashbacks. Most often lately, they've been flashbacks of being sent to Azkaban. And since no one in the world who didn't play at Hogwarts Community will ever get to read what that was like for him, I'll go find it and copy it here... this is a letter explaining some of his behaviours to Medeni. If you don't know Medeni, you're not roleplaying with us! And why not?

Here's his letter (and the thought occurs to me: this is your basic fifteen-minute ficlet, I don't know that I spent a whole lot more time than that on it. When I think in character, I write faster, I guess):

Medeni,

There is something you have to know--something I need to tell you. Although it's true that I've already shared all the big 'secrets' from my past, there are still details, and some of them linger happily and others linger unhappily. I would share with you, so you better understand me, why I simply cannot stand to be confined in any way, shape, or form.

One would think the answer is obvious: twelve years in solitary confinement really did a number on poor Sirius. That's part of it, but there are details that no one ever thinks to ask and that I am loathe to share. But this part of the story starts long before Azkaban...

Ever since I can remember, I've had an absolute and irrational fear of confinement. There is no explanation for it in my childhood; I was never locked up or bound, of course, but still, the fear was always there. Even riding to Hogwarts on the train used to cause me panic -- being stuck in that small compartment for hours, it was hellish. Even being surrounded by friends, even knowing that I could simply slide the compartment door open and leave. And the amount of time I spent at school leaving Gryffindor Tower -- well, it was far more time than I spent inside. Remus could tell you, or Albus, or Professor McGonagall. In fact, Dumbledore set a special rule for me when I was a student -- none of my detentions were to be served in a locked or enclosed room. And I had more than my share. Fortunately, he sensed my most innate fear and accommodated me.

After school a lot happened -- you know about most of it, you were there for part of it. But the night James and Lily were murdered, I... I fairly lost my mind with grief, and the only thing I could focus on was Harry, being Harry's godfather. And then he was taken away from me just as surely as James and Lily were taken away from me, and once I'd figured out what happened, my thoughts turned only to revenge. I could have shared what I knew about Peter with any of a number of people, but my mind was numbed and my only intent was to find him and make him pay for what he'd done.

Instead, he turned the tables on me quite nicely, and I was arrested instead. Anyone can read in Daily Prophet archives or in wizarding history books that I was sent to Azkaban on Barty Crouch's order without a trial, and that it happened almost immediately. But what I try to avoid recalling at all costs -- and what came back to me in a flurry last night -- was the way they took me to Azkaban. No one ever asks about this, cariad. No one. Do you know how I was transported there?

The fortress is in the middle of the ocean, so it is only accessible by boat or by portkey. No one can apparate there or disapparate from there (I know, I tried, thousands of times). After my arrest, they took everything from me but the clothes on my back, literally. They took the leather jacket James had given me seventh year, and the fine set of breaking & entering tools from my father, and the silver cross my Mam had sent to help ward off evil, and they took the earrings from my ears and the wand from my hand and snapped it in two, just there in front of me, while I was being restrained by members of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad.

Then, they forced a potion down my throat. It was unlike anything I'd ever had before, and you know Matron had given me plenty of potions. This one acted like a freeze to my motor senses, but kicked my mind into overdrive. I couldn't move or speak, but I could hear and smell so acutely. I was effectively frozen -- my captors could move me, but I couldn't do for myself. This they called the Subduing Potion, and they fed it to me three times before they were satisfied. Then they placed heavy manacles on my wrists and ankles and walked me to the ship that took prisoners to the fortress. Once on board, they chained me to the wall inside a special barred compartment, all the time laughing and being so pleased with themselves for having captured me.

Medeni, I could not even close my eyes to shut out their faces. It was as if I'd taken a huge jolt of electricity to my system, but could not do a thing about it. No release, no sleep, no way of shutting out anything. And mind you, I had not been around Dementors before, and my captors spent the entire trip talking about how horrible they were... and then, to add insult to injury, just before the boat took off, one of the Ministry officials cast a full-body bind on me. As if they needed to do that; I was already paralysed.

I think, cariad, that the trip to Azkaban was worse than the rest of the twelve years I spent there. Dementors torture us one way, but my captors had so many ways to do it, and I was absolutely defenseless. They were worthy of being Death Eaters, the way they seemed to enjoy their job... and once we arrived at the fortress they removed my manacles and floated me to my cell, still completely unable to move. Once I'd been locked inside, they took off the full-body bind, but the Subduing potion was still active. Now, my first four or five hours inside Azkaban were spent frozen, beginning to understand the horror that were the Dementors, unable to perform even the simple task of wiping away tears. And trust me, there were many.

So I write you this not out of some form of self-pity but as catharsis, and as hopes you will understand why I react so poorly to any type of confinement or restraint at all. That brings it all flooding back, every moment of terror. I've tried to move past it -- I've tried everything. I've locked myself into small spaces, I've tried to hypnotise myself, I've tried sheer power of will to move beyond it. What I simply have to do, I think, is to recognise and acknowledge it, and stop putting myself in situations where this occurs. I begged you, after my last stint in hospital, to never put the full-body bind on me again. Hopefully, now you see why I had to make that plea. And why it was so difficult for me to face that Lethifold, and why Albus' potion caused the reaction it did in the caves. And why I panicked last night when I couldn't move.

And I love you so much, Medeni, and it hurts me to have this reaction when I feel it's unnecessary -- but I do, and all I can do is apologise for it and pray you'll understand.

Sirius

That's that. We did some fun writing on that board; I'm not sorry I don't play there any more but I'm glad I saved everything that mattered to me.

So now, inside my against-all-odds Survivor!Sirius's brain, there are all sorts of places to go. Unfortunately he's been stuck on that transport ship more than I like lately. But he'll get over it... eventually.

Comments

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

Briefly, so I can cut this connexion: Angel's on my Flist, we share a fanfictionfandom [boggles at word] in common. :)

[angelofthenorth.livejournal.com]

*blushes*

Thank you for the rec.

I find that interesting. I have Sirius down as someone who likes freedom, but isn't pathologically claustrophobic. He creates the wheel as a symbol of freedom, but more than that he's just a normal guy, a product of the times. Ironically, in my 'verse Peter is the one that shapes the times, James and Sirius are merely products. Remus stays outside of it all, riding along, because he doesn't quite fit - there or anywhere.

The attitude as a Magi-chanic is about someone who wants the freedom to do a job that won't shackle him to a desk. Snape is the opposite.

I'm working on the Classic Canon Challenge that Scribbulus_Ink has posted, and mine is Dumas' 3 Musketeers, translated into MWPP. I'm undecided whether Sirius is Porthos or Aramis. Athos is probably Remus or James, and James either d'Artagnan or Athos.

The thing is that the two generations are very similar, (Dumas and MWPP) in that they fight for kicks, as well as being very ordinary characters, and having ordinary concerns.

Sirius however is awkward. He defies classification - a certain naievete about him is endearing, but he also riles me because of his thoughtlessness. He is not nice at 15-16, the Incident is proof of that, and something that he is clearly not proud of in OOTP. but neither is he a total loss. It's much like d'Artagnan's seduction of Constance - justified by Passion, but completely immoral.

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

James'd have to be D'Artagnan, as he's the one who predeceased his son.

I'd think Remus would be Aramis (subtle creature, and smart); Sirius is almost more Porthos-like in some ways, but has suffered more in the manner of Athos, especially with the complexity of his past.

Mind you, my whole view of the Musketeers has been delinated by George MacDonald Fraser (yay, SCOTS!), Richard Lester, Stephen Brust and Man in the Iron Mask 1998. But I consider those quite reliable sources.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I don't necessarily think that canon Sirius was thoughtless, but I do think he had great capacity to be ruthless when it suited him.

I need to re-read Three Musketeers; it's been too long. And I suppose Count of Monte Cristo would be too obvious.

Betrayal! Revenge! Escape! Return! What a story -- who'd have thought.

I think Dumas re-used his characters too. :)

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

And... poor Sirius. [HUG]

[sosirius.livejournal.com]

Not so poor Sirius; I'm all right. It might take me a day or two, but... I haven't gotten this far by dwelling. Besides, I have the prydferth a perffaith medeni_ci_jones as my most amazing partner and my balance and life-force.

I know just how lucky I truly am.

[medeni-ci-jones.livejournal.com]

Oh, Sirius. You're perfect for me, you know.

[sosirius.livejournal.com]

Smile.

Just... [sigh]