This is way out of my usual realm.
Sep. 17th, 2003 05:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in_the_blueBut it was so much fun. This is for all you OTWers out there. I present to you:
Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard
[opening angle: camera pans over a busy street, and finally works its way down to a bench, where two men, both outrageously handsome and stylishly dressed, are sitting next to one another. The first is tall, with long untidy raven hair and a dangerous look about him; the second is smaller in stature, but his hazel eyes glimmer with mischief. The sun glints off the tiniest hints of grey in his otherwise light brown hair. The tall wizard speaks first.]
SIRIUS: Hullo, ladies and gentlemen, especially all you gentlemen out there. Welcome to this week's edition of Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard. We’re your hosts, Sirius and...
REMUS: Remus. I can tell them myself, sweetheart.
SIRIUS (ignoring Remus): Today we’re going to take a look at two of the wizarding world’s two most eligible bachelors...
REMUS: Two?
SIRIUS: Bill and Charlie Weasley.
REMUS: Ooh.
SIRIUS (shoots Remus a jealous look): Let's start with Bill. Tall, long-haired, good-looking, everyone's idea of a dream date. He's got the poise, the style, and the dragon-hide boots.
REMUS: Don't forget the earring.
SIRIUS: Plus, boys and girls, he's an official Gringotts Wizarding Bank Cursebreaker. That's a very dangerous job. It simply adds gobs to his allure, which is already peaking.
REMUS: But there's room for improvement.
SIRIUS: There always is, darling. Always. I give you Mr Bill Weasley. When we caught up with him, he'd just delivered a scad of gemstones to Gringott's. There he was in khaki trousers, a plain white button-down shirt, those devilishly handsome dragon-hide boots. [Holds up a photo of Bill to the camera]
REMUS: He had a cocoa-brown cloak draped over his shoulder, and oh, Sirius, don't forget... his wand.
SIRIUS (rolls his eyes, sighs): Now, the hair is all right, but... that earring is so '90s. It's got to go, don't you agree, Reem?
REMUS: Dragon talons are so last year. Maybe a little diamond stud... and another on his tongue…
SIRIUS: Or elsewhere. He could stand up to a few more piercings, I think. I've got piercings on my...
REMUS (giggles): Not now, Siri, we're on camera.
SIRIUS (blows Remus a kiss): As I was saying. This is the way Bill looked when we first found him, fresh off the latest job in Egypt, where I understand style is something of an understatement. So we took Bill out for a day of beauty.
REMUS: We thought a tad of a haircut...
SIRIUS: A silkier shirt...
REMUS: A little polish on those boots...
SIRIUS: Some new leather trousers...
REMUS: And the aforementioned diamond stud earring. Now, the haircut took a bit of convincing, but really, we just needed to trim up those ends and add a dash of conditioner.
SIRIUS: He wouldn't go for the blue nail polish, though… although we did help shine his wand.
REMUS (grins): And now, fellow fashion afficionados, we give you...
SIRIUS: The new and improved William Weasley!
[Bill walks into camera range, a bit self-conscious, blushing. REMUS and SIRIUS applaud merrily as Bill shows off his new look, then sits next to them.]
SIRIUS: Well, well, William Weasley! What do you think of your new look? Something the boys and girls can get their arms around, wouldn't you say?
BILL (blushes)
REMUS: The leather trousers are a nice touch; that was Siri's idea. I have to say, Bill, you look hot. All this time we worked side by side and I never noticed.
SIRIUS: Nice wand, too.
BILL (blushes deeper): Thanks, I think.
REMUS: You know we took on your brother Charlie, too, don't you, Bill? Want to see what we did with that cute little dragon-tamer?
BILL (blushes): Erm... sure.
REMUS: Right then. Here's a 'before' picture of everyone's favourite man in Romania, Mr. Charlie Weasley.
SIRIUS: Note the unidimensionality of his garb. The jeans are all right, but Charlie, honey, let's get rid of baggy, shall we? And that t-shirt… it does nothing for you. You’ve got pecs! Show them off, dragon-boy! And those gorgeous arms of yours... all those muscles.
REMUS: And that's not just from stroking his little dragons.
SIRIUS: Now, the boots are all right if you're a construction worker, but... puh-leeze, people! This man has one of the world's most hazardous jobs. The slightest misstep could put him right in the path of six tonnes of angry dragon. So we thought we'd rebuild our Charlie from the ground up. Right, Reem?
REMUS: Right. For those lovely feet of his, we took him directly to Cole-Haan for a pair of custom booties. We wanted something that would hug his feet, but also let him scramble over those mountain rocks in a sure-footed way.
SIRIUS: Then we worked our way up. Look how lithe and strong he is, even in this 'before' photo. Not as tall as Bill [Sirius reaches over and rifles his fingers through Bill’s hair], but still a cute little thing with lots of promise. So to keep things in the family, we thought...
REMUS: Leather trousers again. But this time, in a nice taupe. It matches his tan, and brings out those lovely hazel eyes of Charlie's. It was a little difficult to get him to stand still for the alterations, but oh! wait until you see how nice and tight the trousers came out. He’ll be such a babe magnet; they’ll be falling all over him.
SIRIUS: Up top, we added a nice slim Mooncalf belt and a cotton shirt. You know, the button-down kind, but tailored to him. He's got all that gorgeous upper-body strength, so we rolled up the sleeves to the middle of his mmm divine forearms, and left the shirt unbuttoned to mid-chest. Honey, show off what you’ve got, stop hiding it!
REMUS: A little mousse in the hair, spike it up on top… and ooooh Charlie Weasley! Look at you! Come on out!
[Charlie walks into view, shrugs in embarrassment, sits next to his brother Bill. Again, there’s a polite smattering of applause from the hosts.]
SIRIUS: Now that's what I call a makeover.
REMUS: Charles! Stand up and show off your bad self! Turn around, all the way... that's right. Who wouldn't want a hot studly body like that? [fans himself off]
SIRIUS (nods in unabashed appreciation): You two boys. Go on, you lady-killers, you. Go off, have fun, and you be sure to tell us how you scored!
REMUS: And who with! Details, gentlemen, we want details. [turns to Sirius] Well, boyfriend, that’s it for today. We were going to do one more makeover...
SIRIUS (sighs happily): Lucius Malfoy. But you know what? He’s already...
SIRIUS and REMUS together: Perfect.
Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard
[opening angle: camera pans over a busy street, and finally works its way down to a bench, where two men, both outrageously handsome and stylishly dressed, are sitting next to one another. The first is tall, with long untidy raven hair and a dangerous look about him; the second is smaller in stature, but his hazel eyes glimmer with mischief. The sun glints off the tiniest hints of grey in his otherwise light brown hair. The tall wizard speaks first.]
SIRIUS: Hullo, ladies and gentlemen, especially all you gentlemen out there. Welcome to this week's edition of Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard. We’re your hosts, Sirius and...
REMUS: Remus. I can tell them myself, sweetheart.
SIRIUS (ignoring Remus): Today we’re going to take a look at two of the wizarding world’s two most eligible bachelors...
REMUS: Two?
SIRIUS: Bill and Charlie Weasley.
REMUS: Ooh.
SIRIUS (shoots Remus a jealous look): Let's start with Bill. Tall, long-haired, good-looking, everyone's idea of a dream date. He's got the poise, the style, and the dragon-hide boots.
REMUS: Don't forget the earring.
SIRIUS: Plus, boys and girls, he's an official Gringotts Wizarding Bank Cursebreaker. That's a very dangerous job. It simply adds gobs to his allure, which is already peaking.
REMUS: But there's room for improvement.
SIRIUS: There always is, darling. Always. I give you Mr Bill Weasley. When we caught up with him, he'd just delivered a scad of gemstones to Gringott's. There he was in khaki trousers, a plain white button-down shirt, those devilishly handsome dragon-hide boots. [Holds up a photo of Bill to the camera]
REMUS: He had a cocoa-brown cloak draped over his shoulder, and oh, Sirius, don't forget... his wand.
SIRIUS (rolls his eyes, sighs): Now, the hair is all right, but... that earring is so '90s. It's got to go, don't you agree, Reem?
REMUS: Dragon talons are so last year. Maybe a little diamond stud... and another on his tongue…
SIRIUS: Or elsewhere. He could stand up to a few more piercings, I think. I've got piercings on my...
REMUS (giggles): Not now, Siri, we're on camera.
SIRIUS (blows Remus a kiss): As I was saying. This is the way Bill looked when we first found him, fresh off the latest job in Egypt, where I understand style is something of an understatement. So we took Bill out for a day of beauty.
REMUS: We thought a tad of a haircut...
SIRIUS: A silkier shirt...
REMUS: A little polish on those boots...
SIRIUS: Some new leather trousers...
REMUS: And the aforementioned diamond stud earring. Now, the haircut took a bit of convincing, but really, we just needed to trim up those ends and add a dash of conditioner.
SIRIUS: He wouldn't go for the blue nail polish, though… although we did help shine his wand.
REMUS (grins): And now, fellow fashion afficionados, we give you...
SIRIUS: The new and improved William Weasley!
[Bill walks into camera range, a bit self-conscious, blushing. REMUS and SIRIUS applaud merrily as Bill shows off his new look, then sits next to them.]
SIRIUS: Well, well, William Weasley! What do you think of your new look? Something the boys and girls can get their arms around, wouldn't you say?
BILL (blushes)
REMUS: The leather trousers are a nice touch; that was Siri's idea. I have to say, Bill, you look hot. All this time we worked side by side and I never noticed.
SIRIUS: Nice wand, too.
BILL (blushes deeper): Thanks, I think.
REMUS: You know we took on your brother Charlie, too, don't you, Bill? Want to see what we did with that cute little dragon-tamer?
BILL (blushes): Erm... sure.
REMUS: Right then. Here's a 'before' picture of everyone's favourite man in Romania, Mr. Charlie Weasley.
SIRIUS: Note the unidimensionality of his garb. The jeans are all right, but Charlie, honey, let's get rid of baggy, shall we? And that t-shirt… it does nothing for you. You’ve got pecs! Show them off, dragon-boy! And those gorgeous arms of yours... all those muscles.
REMUS: And that's not just from stroking his little dragons.
SIRIUS: Now, the boots are all right if you're a construction worker, but... puh-leeze, people! This man has one of the world's most hazardous jobs. The slightest misstep could put him right in the path of six tonnes of angry dragon. So we thought we'd rebuild our Charlie from the ground up. Right, Reem?
REMUS: Right. For those lovely feet of his, we took him directly to Cole-Haan for a pair of custom booties. We wanted something that would hug his feet, but also let him scramble over those mountain rocks in a sure-footed way.
SIRIUS: Then we worked our way up. Look how lithe and strong he is, even in this 'before' photo. Not as tall as Bill [Sirius reaches over and rifles his fingers through Bill’s hair], but still a cute little thing with lots of promise. So to keep things in the family, we thought...
REMUS: Leather trousers again. But this time, in a nice taupe. It matches his tan, and brings out those lovely hazel eyes of Charlie's. It was a little difficult to get him to stand still for the alterations, but oh! wait until you see how nice and tight the trousers came out. He’ll be such a babe magnet; they’ll be falling all over him.
SIRIUS: Up top, we added a nice slim Mooncalf belt and a cotton shirt. You know, the button-down kind, but tailored to him. He's got all that gorgeous upper-body strength, so we rolled up the sleeves to the middle of his mmm divine forearms, and left the shirt unbuttoned to mid-chest. Honey, show off what you’ve got, stop hiding it!
REMUS: A little mousse in the hair, spike it up on top… and ooooh Charlie Weasley! Look at you! Come on out!
[Charlie walks into view, shrugs in embarrassment, sits next to his brother Bill. Again, there’s a polite smattering of applause from the hosts.]
SIRIUS: Now that's what I call a makeover.
REMUS: Charles! Stand up and show off your bad self! Turn around, all the way... that's right. Who wouldn't want a hot studly body like that? [fans himself off]
SIRIUS (nods in unabashed appreciation): You two boys. Go on, you lady-killers, you. Go off, have fun, and you be sure to tell us how you scored!
REMUS: And who with! Details, gentlemen, we want details. [turns to Sirius] Well, boyfriend, that’s it for today. We were going to do one more makeover...
SIRIUS (sighs happily): Lucius Malfoy. But you know what? He’s already...
SIRIUS and REMUS together: Perfect.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-17 05:34 pm (UTC)I would LOVE to see them do some more make-overs!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-17 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-17 08:48 pm (UTC)But...but...I can think of hundreds of ways to make over Lucius! They can't stop! ;)
no subject
We don't get "Queer Eye" here but I really enjoyed that!
no subject
Date: 2003-09-18 12:19 am (UTC)But I didn't let that stop me. Sometimes, a concept is all we need.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-18 09:01 am (UTC)I've never seen the show either. But man! I was rolling.
This made my day.