Because Becca asked so nicely
Aug. 3rd, 2011 11:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in_the_blueWhat's that movie again where the guy wakes up and has no idea where he is or how he got there? I can't remember, haha. Oh, wait, it's Cowboys & Aliens. I'm going to give you my play-by-play on it, to the best of my recollection.
Jake: The hell.
Bad guys: Not your lucky day, stranger.
Jake: I don't think so.
Guy from LOST: You're in my house.
Jake: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Guy from LOST: You don't seem bad. I'm a man of God. *stitch stitch stitch*
Kid from The Sopranos: I'm dumb, my daddy's rich and your ma is good-lookin', I kin shoot whatever I want.
Jake: The hell. *bang*
Kid from The Sopranos: Oh, fuck.
Yet Another Carradine: I'm gonna have to arrest you, son.
Kid from The Sopranos: My daddy ain't gonna like that.
Doc: [oh my god, Sam Rockwell, he doesn't have to do anything and I'll automatically love him, that's all I have to say about Doc!]
Aliens: *blow up guys and cows*
Harrison Ford: I hate when that happens.
Adam Beach: I love you, smirky old guy.
Harrison Ford: Quiet.
People: *don't stay put when told, get abducted by aliens*
Jake: The hell. *takes down a ship*
Harrison Ford: This guy could be useful.
Adam Beach: I am your trusty guide. We can't track it in the dark.
Harrison Ford: We ride out at first light. You're all with me.
Jake: The hell.
Posse: *ride ride ride*
Kid: *hungry*
Harrison Ford: I'm not that bad a bad dude. Have an apple. And a knife. Man up.
Kid: Okay.
Aliens: *attack some more*
Ella: *abducted* [It occurs to me I haven't introduced Ella before now, but it really doesn't matter. Go with the flow and think wow, she looks just like that chick from House.]
Jake: *saves*
Ella: *random conversation about The Woman from Jake's past*
Jake: The hell?
Ella: *dies*
Chiricahua Apaches: *attack, cremate Ella*
Adam Beach: *translates stuff*
Jake: *sad in a manly way*
Ella: *reincarnates as a wisp of flame, walks over naked, wows the audience from behind, speaks in Apache* I am from once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away. I am the narrative voice here to make sense of this film because without my narrative, you will never have the slightest idea why these aliens are here, what they want, and why they are attacking. I can also tell you how to make them go away. Now will someone please give me clothes? There are kids watching this movie.
Jake: *covers her with a blanket, but just barely, he really is a manly man despite the chaps*
Harrison Ford: *smirking* Listen to me, here's what we do.
Apache Chief: Don't tell me what I can't do! [Someone had to say it, the guy from Lost was killed early on] You don't even have warriors.
Jake: *saves the day by riding in with his old gang*
Apache Chief: Well okay then. Your game, boss.
Harrison Ford: *smirks*
Next day: *everyone rides in, finds monster alien ship in beautiful canyon*
Ella Enchanted: That's how they get the gold. See, Harrison Ford, you're not the only greedy one.
Aliens: *torture people for fun and profit and also to prove they're bad and worthy of being destroyed*
Jake & Ella: let's go free our people.
Everyone else: *fights aliens who fight back pretty well, despite hardly being able to see during the daylight*
Me: Those look like the alien from Super8. Curious.
Jake & Ella: *free the people*
Jake: *regains all his memories*
Ella: Go. I will be your savior and your light, just give me the damn bracelet. Oh, you can't until I distract you? *kiss* There. Now go.
Jake: *goes*
Aliens: *fall*
Sam Rockwell: *shoots, kills*
Harrison Ford: *looks damn good ridin' a horse*
Kid: *uses the knife*
Rescued People: *zombie out*
Jake: *escapes*
Ella: *does not escape but predictably destroys ship, saves Earth, questionably does not reincarnate this time despite all the cool clouds and pyrotechnics*
Harrison Ford: She's in a better place, Jake.
Jake: The hell. *rides off into the sunset*
Okay. Got it? I know, I left out the banditos and the touching reunions and the kid getting his grandpaw back and Dolarhyde & Son making peace with each other and Adam Beach dying dramatically after getting his neck eaten by an alien. Half the time I couldn't believe the actors were able to deliver their lines with straight faces. At heart, it's a pretty standard western, it's just that there are aliens doing the mining instead of some big evil conglomerate. It was like... Rango with aliens, I guess? Not bad, a fun way to spend a couple hours, but I don't think I'll be tempted to go back and see it again. The hype for this movie was more exciting than the film itself.
Your reactions?
Jake: The hell.
Bad guys: Not your lucky day, stranger.
Jake: I don't think so.
Guy from LOST: You're in my house.
Jake: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Guy from LOST: You don't seem bad. I'm a man of God. *stitch stitch stitch*
Kid from The Sopranos: I'm dumb, my daddy's rich and your ma is good-lookin', I kin shoot whatever I want.
Jake: The hell. *bang*
Kid from The Sopranos: Oh, fuck.
Yet Another Carradine: I'm gonna have to arrest you, son.
Kid from The Sopranos: My daddy ain't gonna like that.
Doc: [oh my god, Sam Rockwell, he doesn't have to do anything and I'll automatically love him, that's all I have to say about Doc!]
Aliens: *blow up guys and cows*
Harrison Ford: I hate when that happens.
Adam Beach: I love you, smirky old guy.
Harrison Ford: Quiet.
People: *don't stay put when told, get abducted by aliens*
Jake: The hell. *takes down a ship*
Harrison Ford: This guy could be useful.
Adam Beach: I am your trusty guide. We can't track it in the dark.
Harrison Ford: We ride out at first light. You're all with me.
Jake: The hell.
Posse: *ride ride ride*
Kid: *hungry*
Harrison Ford: I'm not that bad a bad dude. Have an apple. And a knife. Man up.
Kid: Okay.
Aliens: *attack some more*
Ella: *abducted* [It occurs to me I haven't introduced Ella before now, but it really doesn't matter. Go with the flow and think wow, she looks just like that chick from House.]
Jake: *saves*
Ella: *random conversation about The Woman from Jake's past*
Jake: The hell?
Ella: *dies*
Chiricahua Apaches: *attack, cremate Ella*
Adam Beach: *translates stuff*
Jake: *sad in a manly way*
Ella: *reincarnates as a wisp of flame, walks over naked, wows the audience from behind, speaks in Apache* I am from once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away. I am the narrative voice here to make sense of this film because without my narrative, you will never have the slightest idea why these aliens are here, what they want, and why they are attacking. I can also tell you how to make them go away. Now will someone please give me clothes? There are kids watching this movie.
Jake: *covers her with a blanket, but just barely, he really is a manly man despite the chaps*
Harrison Ford: *smirking* Listen to me, here's what we do.
Apache Chief: Don't tell me what I can't do! [Someone had to say it, the guy from Lost was killed early on] You don't even have warriors.
Jake: *saves the day by riding in with his old gang*
Apache Chief: Well okay then. Your game, boss.
Harrison Ford: *smirks*
Next day: *everyone rides in, finds monster alien ship in beautiful canyon*
Ella Enchanted: That's how they get the gold. See, Harrison Ford, you're not the only greedy one.
Aliens: *torture people for fun and profit and also to prove they're bad and worthy of being destroyed*
Jake & Ella: let's go free our people.
Everyone else: *fights aliens who fight back pretty well, despite hardly being able to see during the daylight*
Me: Those look like the alien from Super8. Curious.
Jake & Ella: *free the people*
Jake: *regains all his memories*
Ella: Go. I will be your savior and your light, just give me the damn bracelet. Oh, you can't until I distract you? *kiss* There. Now go.
Jake: *goes*
Aliens: *fall*
Sam Rockwell: *shoots, kills*
Harrison Ford: *looks damn good ridin' a horse*
Kid: *uses the knife*
Rescued People: *zombie out*
Jake: *escapes*
Ella: *does not escape but predictably destroys ship, saves Earth, questionably does not reincarnate this time despite all the cool clouds and pyrotechnics*
Harrison Ford: She's in a better place, Jake.
Jake: The hell. *rides off into the sunset*
Okay. Got it? I know, I left out the banditos and the touching reunions and the kid getting his grandpaw back and Dolarhyde & Son making peace with each other and Adam Beach dying dramatically after getting his neck eaten by an alien. Half the time I couldn't believe the actors were able to deliver their lines with straight faces. At heart, it's a pretty standard western, it's just that there are aliens doing the mining instead of some big evil conglomerate. It was like... Rango with aliens, I guess? Not bad, a fun way to spend a couple hours, but I don't think I'll be tempted to go back and see it again. The hype for this movie was more exciting than the film itself.
Your reactions?
