in_the_blue | NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH APOCALYPSE!

This past weekend, Syfy (man, do I ever wish it was still sci-fi, that was so much easier to make myself type) marathoned some disaster movies. It was my chance! I had to watch Meteor Storm! So, I waited for a nice quiet time like tonight and about ten minutes in, decided that this was the greatest movie ever. Also, the worst. How can it be both? you ask wisely.

So...... let me start out by saying expectations were low. How low, you ask? Quite low, Mr. Bond. I never expect much from these types of films and that's always proved worthwhile. I went into it oh, say, on a par with the way I watch movies like The Way of the Dragon or The Resurrection of the Golden Wolf. You know they're going to be corny as fuck, that they'll have these moments when you think either "hey, not bad!" or "that was pretty cool," then shake your head. And... uh... well, they have leading men who are kind of kick-ass. Bruce Lee, Yusaku Matsuda, Michael Trucco... wait. No, go, I stand by that statement, the lead men are totally kick-ass, easy to believe, easy on the eyes. Of course I watched Meteor Storm for Trucco; there wasn't any other real reason (after all, you watch Bruce Lee movies for, well, Bruce Lee, right? Right). Meteors breaking through the atmosphere and specifically targeting San Francisco? Isn't that just about enough to attract anyone to it? It's Syfy. You know they're going to have some cheesy effects, a questionable storyline, and lots of pretty people running around either screaming or solving problems; that's the formula. And this movie didn't disappoint in those areas.

If you're a registered member of IMDB you can go to the page for the film and read mindbender-1's excellent What I learned watching this movie - or, I don't know, I just realized I was logged out and could still read it, so let me know. At any rate, that about sums it up. At least they kept the stupid all in one place -- downtown San Francisco -- and didn't let it spread too far. Trucco got to put on and take off his (get your minds out of the gutter!) motorcycle helmet at least half a dozen times and I don't know about you guys, but I want hair like that. It looked beautiful and oh-so-windswept every time he took off that helmet. I have to give the guy props for at least playing a character who was, like, concerned that San Fran was about to be obliterated and who got to ride a very nice Harley-Davidson for most of the two hours. If all the world's problems could be solved by riding the streets in the Bay area on a bike like that, I'd sign up.

I have a bigger beef with what they did to Kari Matchett's character, the scientist (and Tom Young's -- Trucco's character actually has a name -- ex-wife, and you can already see where this is heading, can't you? If not, I'll spell it out in red letters for you later) who was apparently the only astronomer on the west coast who knew anything, but also apparently not enough of an astrologer to predict that this GIANT ASTEROID is on its way to Earth, sorry 'bout that. She spent most of the movie looking moderately amused as her ex, Colonel Young, head of Disaster Management for San Francisco, rode around like Johnny Blaze on his Harley saving everybody, including their two teen kids who really should've known better. Amused, I say, not worried, not panicked, not stressed, not depressed. Really. She spent most of the film with this ironic grin on her face, and it wasn't even a grin of I told you so. It was just cloying.

Now I don't know about all y'all, but everyone I know who grew up in a military household seems to know that when the Army rounds you up and tells you to stay put and your dad is a retired colonel, you salute and stay put. You don't decide to sneak out and wander around the city where a bunch of meteors are indiscriminately (and rudely) killing people and buildings. The phrase you are so grounded kept floating through my mind. There's a ridiculous subplot about the teen daughter having a boyfriend and both Scientist Mom and Disaster Management Dad having to deal with that fact in the middle of this emergency. There's also a ridiculous subplot about the scientist's assistant never appearing in any scene where she's not stuffing her face. Seriously, San Francisco is ordered evacuated, and she's in her office munching on an entire bag of potato chips. Way to go, helpful one. Before that, it was cold pizza.

Then there are the two intrepid TV reporters who decide if they follow Tom (after first seeing him rescue a pregnant woman from an overturned van by -- no kidding -- pulling out the windshield with his gloved hands and pulling said pregnant woman to safety just before the van blows up), they'll be where the action is. There's the requisite amount of snark between these two. The camerawoman is played by Lara Gilchrist, who I recognized as Paulla Schaffer from Battlestar Galactica (er! no link for you, the BSG wiki is way too spoiler-filled, even at a general glance and I know some of you haven't seen the whole series yet), and the reporter looks like Ryan Seacrest but isn't, thankfully. They hound poor Tom mercilessly, but he gets them but good when he tells them repeatedly you two! you're with me. NOW. You tell 'em, Colonel!

I could go on and on, about the daughter's boyfriend and the mom's sister, and the special effects which are not even up to the standard I expect from Syfy, but luckily for a movie about a meteor storm, the FX aren't the highlight. And I just realized: that last line says almost everything that needs to be said. On the other hand, though... it really wasn't quite as bad as I was expecting it to be. One thing I confess to liking in it is that at least the main character had some brains. The romance angle was entirely predictable, and GOD but Tom has the corniest fucking line in the history of corny lines right at the end as the disaster winds down, but with the exception of about a 20-minute period in there where I realized I'd forgotten to pay attention entirely, I did see the whole thing through and had some fun doing it. I even rewound the... can you rewind digital media? so my dear child could hear the corny line too, which garnered it thumbs-up in the greatest movie ever department.

Bottom line: it's not the worst thing you can have on in the background! Don't expect brilliance or shirtless Tom and you won't be disappointed! Also, don't expect any science that makes sense! Otherwise, it's disaster fluff at its finest. One-half thumb up (I only have two to give, and it doesn't quite merit that coveted 50% approval rating).