HP Train of Thought
Jan. 30th, 2004 10:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
in_the_blueSo I was thinking while driving (which is often when thoughts occur to me) that besides wanting to stop and get coffee (Starbucks was far too crowded so I skipped it and filled the car with gasoline instead, which was a much shrewder investment) that I'm very glad to role-play Sirius and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But I'm also glad I started way back before the DIH came out.
I started thinking that inside Sirius's head is a very perilous place to hang out.
The way JKR writes Sirius is a complete and utter conundrum to me. She's said in interviews that he's supposed to be 'dead sexy' but she doesn't give him a single relationship, other than the one with Harry. OK, I know all you Remus/Sirius shippers out there will jump all over this, but I don't believe there's particular canon evidence either pointing that way or not pointing that way. Yes, they embrace, but they embrace like brothers. Yes, they stay in the same house, but they're never even shown together, other than talking to Harry through the Floo network and the combined birthday present for Harry, which could simply have been a joint gift because Remus has no money.
But this isn't about Remus. It's about Sirius, who is for all that I can glean a very intelligent, very bitter, very abused, very angry, and very lonely human being. That's why being in his head is a tough thing. I look at things, like the new Bloomsbury cover for Prisoner of Azkaban, and I start to think: locked up with your worst thoughts for twelve and a half years? He deserves every ounce of crazy that he is when he gets out, and I'm surprised he's not crazier still. I see it as him walking a very fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm sure that time in prison taught him supremely well how to hide and subdue any emotions.
The Sirius we get in Order of the Phoenix is so moody and bitter, I wondered at first why JKR hated Sirius so much. Then I realized the simplicity of what she did: she mourned his loss throughout the entire book by making him just that much less attractive, that much less sane, that much less able to do anything for anyone. Imagine being quick and brilliant and vain and arrogant and only wanting to give to others, and being trapped, then trapped again, hands completely tied, old enemies waltzing in and treating you miserably in your own home. It's too hard to handle, and it's too much to think about, and it's too depressing to be around.
Which is why I'm so thankful for the chance that the RPB gives to Sirius. Because there, even though he has these times of great and overpowering depression (which he has, in my ever-so-humble opinion earned), he also has the chance to be a whole person.
But I'm not so sure that had JKR written him to survive, he'd know how to do that. All his opportunities were taken away, from the time he was a child, apparently. How did he ever make it to 21 or 22 or however old he was when he was sent to Azkaban?
So while RP Sirius has a chance to build a life, he never got that in canon, and it's damn depressing. Even though RP Sirius has a beautiful relationship with Medeni, still, everything he does is driven from desperation. He's always always looking over his shoulder, expecting everything he's got to be taken away.
To that end, any continuation of his life is tainted not only by Azkaban (of course it would be), but by Grimmauld Place and the abuse by people who should have trusted him unconditionally. Even Harry--unarguably Sirius's biggest fan--has seeds of doubt planted in his mind about his godfather by the people closest to him, continually. Even after Sirius's death, Dumbledore keeps doing it.
That's why OotP is so hard for me to read. Not for the simple fact that Sirius disappears behind the veil--painful enough--but for the lack of empathy and the continued blame people place on him.
Like he could have gone out any other way than in a fight for the greater good?
I started thinking that inside Sirius's head is a very perilous place to hang out.
The way JKR writes Sirius is a complete and utter conundrum to me. She's said in interviews that he's supposed to be 'dead sexy' but she doesn't give him a single relationship, other than the one with Harry. OK, I know all you Remus/Sirius shippers out there will jump all over this, but I don't believe there's particular canon evidence either pointing that way or not pointing that way. Yes, they embrace, but they embrace like brothers. Yes, they stay in the same house, but they're never even shown together, other than talking to Harry through the Floo network and the combined birthday present for Harry, which could simply have been a joint gift because Remus has no money.
But this isn't about Remus. It's about Sirius, who is for all that I can glean a very intelligent, very bitter, very abused, very angry, and very lonely human being. That's why being in his head is a tough thing. I look at things, like the new Bloomsbury cover for Prisoner of Azkaban, and I start to think: locked up with your worst thoughts for twelve and a half years? He deserves every ounce of crazy that he is when he gets out, and I'm surprised he's not crazier still. I see it as him walking a very fine line between sanity and insanity. I'm sure that time in prison taught him supremely well how to hide and subdue any emotions.
The Sirius we get in Order of the Phoenix is so moody and bitter, I wondered at first why JKR hated Sirius so much. Then I realized the simplicity of what she did: she mourned his loss throughout the entire book by making him just that much less attractive, that much less sane, that much less able to do anything for anyone. Imagine being quick and brilliant and vain and arrogant and only wanting to give to others, and being trapped, then trapped again, hands completely tied, old enemies waltzing in and treating you miserably in your own home. It's too hard to handle, and it's too much to think about, and it's too depressing to be around.
Which is why I'm so thankful for the chance that the RPB gives to Sirius. Because there, even though he has these times of great and overpowering depression (which he has, in my ever-so-humble opinion earned), he also has the chance to be a whole person.
But I'm not so sure that had JKR written him to survive, he'd know how to do that. All his opportunities were taken away, from the time he was a child, apparently. How did he ever make it to 21 or 22 or however old he was when he was sent to Azkaban?
So while RP Sirius has a chance to build a life, he never got that in canon, and it's damn depressing. Even though RP Sirius has a beautiful relationship with Medeni, still, everything he does is driven from desperation. He's always always looking over his shoulder, expecting everything he's got to be taken away.
To that end, any continuation of his life is tainted not only by Azkaban (of course it would be), but by Grimmauld Place and the abuse by people who should have trusted him unconditionally. Even Harry--unarguably Sirius's biggest fan--has seeds of doubt planted in his mind about his godfather by the people closest to him, continually. Even after Sirius's death, Dumbledore keeps doing it.
That's why OotP is so hard for me to read. Not for the simple fact that Sirius disappears behind the veil--painful enough--but for the lack of empathy and the continued blame people place on him.
Like he could have gone out any other way than in a fight for the greater good?
