From a Lesser Mom on Mother's Day

[in_the_blue]

Couldn't you just have one of your own? I can't tell you how many times I heard that when my daughter was a baby, when she was little, when she was just growing up. It's too bad you had to adopt. People would say this with the greatest sorrowful looks on their faces. As if building a family through adoption made me a special social pariah, a sad excuse for a woman, some sort of lesser mom. As if one method of forming a family was less entitling than another, as if one was better than another, as if one was preferable to another. I prefer my way: no visible stretch marks.

It was around this time of year fourteen years ago (minus two months) that my husband and I stepped off a plane in Portland with a fussy dark-haired baby girl in our arms. She'd been awake the whole way from Hong Kong to L.A., finally sleeping on the short leg from L.A. to Portland. We walked out of that plane and in those days when people could still welcome you at the gate the first familiar faces I saw were my parents, who'd been housesitting for us while we were in China on the most fantastic trip imaginable. They both cried with excitement (and so did we).

Since then it's been fourteen years on a roller coaster ride the likes of which I'd never seen before. I couldn't have imagined the dips and turns and spins and breathless wonderment accompanying it, the winding roads my child has taken me down, or how much I've learned from her. She's wonderful, as those who've met her can attest, and like no one else on the planet and every single day, it's an absolute joy to have her in our lives.

So let me tell you who I'm grateful for today: our daughter's birth mother. We don't know her story; we can't know her story. Because it was illegal for her to leave her daughter in a place where she could be located and taken to safety, she took the greatest personal risk in doing so. She ensured that this most precious and amazing tiny human being would be safe and survive. Without you, birth mom, I -- we -- would have no child and today, I honor you. That you couldn't keep our little one doesn't make you any less of a person or any less of a mom. That I'm her mom too doesn't make me any less of a person or any less of a mom. It all works out and we're partners, you and I, and have been from the start. With the utmost respect and appreciation, thank you.

Comments

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

[sniffles] I hope you have a wonderful day.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

And you too! Take care of all those canine kids and give them hugs for me, mama pack leader.

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

There has been much of the dog-hugging, yes.

[livii.livejournal.com]

::big hugs::

Lesser my ass.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I wish my ass was lesser! *much love to you*

[kelleypen.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Happy mother's day!

[acusa-dora.livejournal.com]

I used to be asked whose "fault" it was that we couldn't have our "own" child. To me the most interesting part of this adventure is how much we naturally fit together as a family. It's like the universe wanted us to be together just like the universe pulled your family together. Your daughter's birthmother is very brave. I hope she's happy. Our son's birthmother had to resist pressure from her family. I'm sure glad she chose us!

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

People ask: why did you adopt from China?

There's only one answer: because that's where my child was. There are so many philosophies on why people come together as families. My personal favorite is a reincarnation theory, that souls congregate and tend to circle back to one another lifetime after lifetime, finding each other in any way possible. Not that everything has to be predestined, but I like the concept.

*hugs*

[agonistes]

She is wonderful. So are you.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Isn't she just great? Heh, I love her.

Thanks. And so, my dear, are you. ♥

[lostinapapercup.livejournal.com]

This is lovely, Hannah is awesome, and I'm awfully proud to count my very favorite Gwynne as one of the very best moms I know. There is nothing lesser about you.

And people are crazy. I've long thought I would adopt if I ever had children, and your story is a prime example of why adoption is such a beautiful thing.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I love you, ma'am. *lets the internet know*

As far as I'm concerned, you're family too. ♥ ♥ ♥

[shellebelle93.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You are a wonderful person. Happy Mother's Day.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

That makes two of us, then! Much love to you, today and every day.

[indy-go.livejournal.com]

Happy mother's day to you. <3

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I hope you're having a beautiful day yourself!

[sound0fdrums.livejournal.com]

You never have been, nor will you ever be a lesser mom. ♥

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

You wouldn't believe the garbage that spews out of peoples' mouths. Or maybe you would. Oh, so you're not REALLY her mother then. Me: Well, yes, in fact I am. Idiot: You know what I mean. Me: No, I don't. Not really. Care to enlighten me? And on and on it goes. It happens a lot less now that she's going on fifteen, but boy, did it happen a lot when she was little. Moms in general have to be strong so it wasn't like I couldn't meet all those challenges in ways that made me proud of who I was, but geeze, sometimes the uphill struggle just got obnoxious.

This week, I get to take her to a dessert honoring the top academic students at her high school. For a ninth-grader, she's not doing too badly! I'm so proud of her.

Happy mother's day!

[vivien]

Geez Louise, people can be clueless and horrific.

ANYHOO, that is awesome about the honors! Tell H. that I am very proud of her.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I will! She might even read this herself.

[alienchrist.livejournal.com]

People continue to baffle me with that kind of crap. From the usage of 'can't' as if that's the only, considerable option, and the assuming that it's any of their business, as if it's a last resort... people are such jerks.

You are not a jerk. You are lovely. I hope you have a nice, relaxing day. ♥

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

People sure can be such jerks! Fortunately, not all of them are. Phew.

And so far, so good on the day! I hope work's going well for you. ♥

[kait2289.livejournal.com]

You're still on my flist from eons and eons ago. This was beautiful.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Hey you! It's been a very long time. Thanks for stopping in again! ♥

[arasnaem.livejournal.com]

Families are what we make of them. Happy Mother's Day to a very deserving mother.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you. I hope you're having a beautiful day yourself.

[kriscynical.livejournal.com]

I'm adopted and people always treat it like some dreadful subject made of spun glass when it's brought up and I don't understand why. I was adopted. No, I do not care about the biological donors. My parents are the ones who raised me.

The people who said those things to you can go sub-terrainian in a hand basket. They have no clue what the hell they're talking about. (I get huffy when people act like that about adoption... either toward the adopted child or the parents.)

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

It always amazes me that my kid, who's in ninth grade, still has to explain the concept of adoption to peers. That's just messed up. If they don't understand it, it's a sure bet their parents and families don't understand it.

What a world.

I'm with you on the huff. When my child was little, I had to be very patient and explain things to others in words I wouldn't have minded hearing parroted back, because that's what little kids do. So the more flippant answers never made it out of my mouth, but I had some really good comebacks just ready and waiting.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

i think it worked otu fantasticall yin all the possible ways. {{hugs the three of you}

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* Thanks. I'm pretty pleased with it.