Some Musings

[in_the_blue]

This has been percolating since yesterday.

These are thoughts on Sirius's personality if he were still alive... or if you follow my role-play board and know he still is alive. Otherwise, don't bother because these are all musings on his personality at age 44. So if you're not living in denialville with us and think to yourself, oh, don't be such an obsessive idiot, the guy is dead, then don't click the link.

There is great and incontrovertible damage for Sirius. Anyone who had been through the things he went through would be damaged and some of that would of course be beyond repair. Last night one of my new RPers said that she liked Sirius on our board because he was happy, and she liked seeing him happy. I told her that he saved most of his less happy moments for his LJ, and the unhappiest ones of all never even would be given public viewing.

So... Sirius has been without a family since his early teens (keep in mind this is my AU Sirius, I'm not going to deal with the whole Grimmauld Place thing and the family that JKR gave him, though he grew up to be exactly the way JKR painted him in OotP regardless... and the adult situations are the same). When he was very young... 22 in my 'verse (you can make him whatever age you like in yours) after having been on his own since 13/14, he found his best friends murdered and his only connection to them -- his godson -- taken away. He was the only one who knew that it was a mutual friend who'd caused James's and Lily's murders and because he was rebellious and reckless and quick to action, he took matters into his own hands, and it landed him in prison for life.

Without a trial.

I can only imagine how horrible it must have been there. I don't imagine that people walk out the door and are ever quite whole again... especially not after twelve years. There would be a complete and utter brainwashing, an indoctrination, and every day would be a reminder that not only can you not have happy thoughts, but you don't deserve to have happy thoughts. Everything that made some sort of sense in your life would be taken away and you'd be left with nothing at all. Not even a glimmer of hope.

The fact that Sirius had his Animagus form lessened it somewhat, as he says in POA. And he knew he was innocent and that wasn't a happy thought so the Dementors couldn't have it. So you have this combination of innocence equaling unhappiness, but it also served as a sort of ballast to keep him from suicide or complete insanity. Personally I can't imagine feeling like that for 12 hours never mind 12 years. And so after he escaped, would those 12 years just fall away and all of a sudden you get to be happy and whole again?

I don't think so.

So when I RP adult Sirius, I have to keep this in mind. As time passes he gets better and the devastation suffered at the hands of the Dementors lessens, but it never goes away. He's got moments of great happiness, but then the pendulum swings the other way and he has moments of bleakest despair. And at those moments he becomes the same way he was in prison: inconsolable, grief-ridden, depressed, and on the worst days, suicidal. He takes everything personally and every comment is a criticism, and everything he can't 'fix' or control becomes a crisis beyond management for him.

I don't write those darkest thoughts of his for public consumption, but for a very limited audience. It can get too painful both to play out and inflict on others.

And so because the universe likes balance (the medically correct term is homeostasis), I'm writing a much happier and far more innocent (though still really clever and intelligent) 15-year-old canon!Sirius right now. It makes RPing adult Sirius easier.

Comments

[ajaxbreaker.livejournal.com]

Hi... Just wanted to drop a comment and ask if it was OK to friend you. I saw you on the SQ LJ, and I always like to talk to fellow SQers. I'm Ajax from the SQ forums, you may have seen me there.
Cheers :)

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

But of course.

[ajaxbreaker.livejournal.com]

Hey that was fast.
*adds you*

[ex-olivehorn645.livejournal.com]

I agree 100%. His time in Azkaban has to have damaged his psyche terribly, and I'd imagine that the REASON he was sent to Azkaban--betrayal at the hands of one of his best friends, one of the people he valued and trusted above his own family--probably hurt him as much or even more than the dementors could.

However, I seem to be in the rare boat that says that Sirius was probably never truly happy. His family had to have cast a shadow over his youth. Trying to lure another student to their death in the jaws of a werewolf (who happens to be one of your best friends) as a prank is not the action of a stable and happy individual--it is actually more the act of a sociopath, though I think that is much too strong a description for Sirius taking other factors into consideration. I know a lot of people dismiss the Shrieking Shack incident as evidence of recklessness (and reckless it most certainly was), but I think it points to deeper problems that Sirius was suffering even in his youth.

There certainly seems to be a predisposition toward madness in the Black family, and while I'm not saying that Sirius was crazy in his youth (though he's probably pretty close after 12 years in Azkaban), I think it's safe to say that he wasn't the most emotionally well-off boy at Hogwarts in his day, either. I'd guess that he was actually worse off in some ways than Snape, just better at charming people and hiding his unhappiness. There has to be a reason no one seems to have stood up and defended Sirius... no one seemed to think him incapable of doing the things he went to prison for. I find myself dissatisfied with most young MWPP-era stories for this reason. Sirius is a tricky character to write at any age, I think.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

I'm really waiting for JKR's explanation of the whole 'prank' thing (as promised somewhere along the line--March 4 chat, maybe?) before I pass judgment on it. Of course it was beyond reckless and was no mere prank. It could have been impulsive and ill-thought-out in which case it would be explained one way, or premeditated, in which case we need to look at other things.

RP-Sirius has been asked to explain that one many times. It doesn't ever get easier.

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

I really don't think there's much I can add, other than a reminder that his greatest virtue is loyalty, which is not and has not been lightly earned; and that his willpower would have likely qualified him to be a member of the Green Lantern Corps under other fictional circumstances.

Annnnd... he's one great huge seething mass of need.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Fortunately for Siriws, he has found someone equal to the challenge that he's become. [hugs]

[queen-nerd06.livejournal.com]

*claps hands* I agree with you 100% about the depth of Sirius's character. I think you nailed it point blank.

[siriusstar.livejournal.com]

Hello, I finally found my
way here. erised1810 told me ages
ago that your views of Sirius were
very close to mine. And after reading
this I was excited to know there
is someone else out there who
sees the impact of what he has
gone through. It is very frustrating
when people seem to think he should
be perfectly healthy and normal after
all of that. I've always been amazed at
the strength that must be required for
him to be as sane and reasonable as he is!

I felt had to take on the OotP backstory,
although I've changed a lot of other things.
And there are things in him that make
me feel helpless when I find them. Writing
from his perspective is exhausting at times.
But very rewarding when he shows his strength
again.

I'll stop before I write a whole book.
When I start on Sirius, I have difficulty
stopping. Just ask erised1810!
But I do agree, wholeheartedly.

[in-the-blue.livejournal.com]

Hullo.

In my fanfics I've had to take on the whole OotP backstory too. On my RP board I've had to take on the whole OotP backstory and combine it with the backstory I already had in place, which is no mean feat. Complex, to say the least, but it adds a nice touch of insanity to adult Sirius.

If you want to talk about it more and do it offline, you can find an email address to reach me on my info page. I'm always willing.

Glad you finally made it over here.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

so yo utwo finally met? I am pleased with that indeed. :)
AdnI agre with you completely. but you shoudl have known that one in advance. lol.
ven if you two are in an advanced stage of siriusWriting and i'm sorto f well, apprentice of sorts? don't mind me and my weird theories.